A Newborn Mom’s Guide to Getting Ready

I have now conquered 2.5 weeks of being a mom of THREE GIRLS>>>>

I would say there are few words to express the joy and exhaustion that blend themselves into my reality, but there are plenty of words… I am just too tired to remember them. These days are both quiet and soak-worthy while somehow boisterous and all consuming. I sat on the edge of my husband’s bath the other day, feeling my shoulders slump forward and my hair reach for the sky. “I have become the most basic form of myself,” I muttered. “If there were a missing link that was slightly more ape than human, I would be it.”

The beauty of self-forgetfulness is that it is a privilege to the terminally selfish. I have prayed to be selfless, and God over the last year has definitely answered. I offered myself and he offered me Eisley Rae. However, in the moment when weariness and the need for a shower collide, I cannot help but feel a kinship with all other mammals that leaves me feeling slightly less than human.

So for those of you living in these stinky, glorious trenches of newborn motherhood… I have created a quick getting ready checklist…

A Newborn Mom’s Guide to Getting Ready:

1. Sleep walk to the bathroom, fill that ever dignified perry bottle and have a seat. Accept the screaming infant your glassy-eyed husband brings in. (You know your mommydom is officially established when you breastfeed on the throne.)
2. Stare longingly at the shower. Imagine the hot water running down your back: how long has it been? Now push that thought out of your mind and switch baby to second breast to free up your dominant hand.
3. Grab your husband’s deodorant. Between the intense postpartum sweats and that lingering poo smell, it’s no secret you need that industrial strength stick. Apply to your one available armpit. Make a mental note to hug people only on that side today.
4. Boogie Wipes are the Magic Eraser for your face. You might not be sure when you last applied that makeup, but a quick Boogie Wipe once-over will remove that deteriorating mascara, revealing your new, trend setting smoky under eye.
5. Walk to kitchen, careful to keep one arm under that terminally nursing baby, pour yesterday’s coffee into a possibly clean mug. Place directly in microwave next to the cup you lost on Tuesday. Walk away.
6. Your baby has fallen asleep, now’s your chance! You might not get a shower, but at least your clothes will be clean. Open your drawer, breathe in the scent of freshly laundered athleisure, and savor the moment… turn to see your toddler burying her new sibling under a mountain of stuffed animals. Moment over.
7. Your clothing choice is now relegated to the scratch and sniff test. Scrape at the unknown goobers, if they come off, great! If they don’t…well, let’s be real, the scratch part of this test is just for show. Now give it a good sniff: on a scale from mild BO to goat milk past its prime, how wearable is it? Is the majority of the spit up on the back or the front? Depending on stain location and intensity of smell, decide how many more days you can reasonably wear this shirt.
8. Spray enough dry shampoo into the air to create a decently translucent cloud. Walk through it, wafting it around your body, add a little spin if you’re feeling fancy. You just gained that shirt an extra day!
9. Remember you have hair. Immediately forget.
10. You’re ready to conquer a few errands, or maybe just a coffee run… oh, wait, baby just realized it has been 20 whole minutes since her last feeding. Accept your short-term milk dispensing status, turn on Netflix and curl up on the couch with your littles. You will get out tomorrow.

Onward mommies! Solidarity is sanity!