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Dear church elders,

I wanted to make you aware of some odd interactions I experienced during today’s worship gathering. It began when I saw a small group of people milling about and invited them to join us in worship. They immediately ran out of the doors of the worship area not to be seen for the entirety of the worship set. I thought nothing of it, enjoying the quiet contemplative moment.

However, as soon as the sermon began they began trickling back in. One continually leaned into my ear asking me when snack-time was. I can only assume she meant our celebration of the Lord’s Supper and I tried to explain to her that we are foregoing that practice due to current circumstances, but she persisted, incessantly requesting we practice this sacred right. Another brought with her a large backpack which she proceeded to pull handfuls of candy out of. Again, not unusual, but the wrappers on the candy must have been made of some mystical material created to announce the very presence of said candy to the universe. Needless to say, the sound was distracting.

The member with the backpack left the service suddenly and the member asking for communion then proceeded to steal the candy out of the other member’s backpack. I was shocked at her behavior but had no time to react because the backpack-toting member returned in a full-on panic. Her hair was twisted up with some sort of craft materials. She insisted I help her untangle the mess, and as a sister in Christ, I obliged. It took nearly 10 minutes to extract the–what I can only describe as “danger floofs” – from her hair. In the meantime, the candy thief returned and began to rub her sermon notes on my face. I believe she was taunting me with her superior knowledge of the scripture and her ability to listen to, what I am sure was a very moving sermon, despite the constant distraction.

After removing the craft items from the hair of my fellow congregant, she insisted on sitting on my lap. So shocked by the spectacle, I had no other option but to allow her to sit. These two members seemed to have no regard for the current social-distancing recommendations and continued to vie for a seat in my lap, my shoulders, and once, directly atop my head. They also made multiple attempts to drink from my personal water bottle, write in my journal (with the pen I held in my own personal hand), and made remarks that I can only describe as “toilet humor”.  The congregant in my lap even asked me to hold her feet as she hung upside down! And while petty, they refused to let me drink my coffee, which knowing our pastor’s affinity for good coffee, may be the most offensive part of this whole ordeal.

Toward the end of service, they again left me alone. One became so overcome by the Spirit she began writhing and wailing in the corner. As I turned my attention to the sermon, another unseen congregant began playing a harmonica loudly and without much talent. I could hardly hear over the clamor.

Now I realize these struggles are nothing compared to fire and lions, but I felt a pressing need to share the situation with you all. I don’t know if there is anything you can do in regard to church discipline, but hope you will keep an eye out for this unruly behavior. And please, pray for my safety, as I believe this group may be following me around. Everywhere I go lately, they are there, I cannot escape them!

With gratitude,

Beth

featured image by Ferenc Horvath on Unsplash