Tonight I had what I hope will be the first of many “the talks” with my oldest child. Here’s how awkwardly it went:
Daughter: Mom, maybe instead of listening to the radio while I go to sleep you could tell me how God makes people.
Me: *gulp* What do you mean?
Daughter: What does “what do you mean?” mean?
Me: Do you want to know about how God made Adam and Eve or how God made you?
Daughter: Like how God made me and all people.
Me: *crap! Hurried prayer for wisdom* Well, when a mommy and a daddy are married, God takes a part of the mommy and a part of the daddy and puts them together in the mommy’s tummy. Then those pieces grow and get bigger and stronger and make a baby. Then when the baby gets big and strong enough she can be born.
Daughter: That’s so cool!
Me: *nailed it!* Right!?!
Daughter: But how does God put the pieces together?
Me: *more hurried prayers* Well…some things are super secret surprises that God only shares when people become mommies and daddies.
Daughter: But I want to know the secret now.
Me: *rambling about how she can drink juice because it’s good for little girls’ bodies but she can’t drink beer (it’s ok if you’re judging my parenting right now!) because it’s only made for grown-up bodies.* “Some things that God tells us have to wait for when we have grown up brains because little kid brains aren’t ready for it.”
We go back and forth about how she is not a little kid but also not a grown up
Daughter: So what are the parts that God puts together?
Me: *frantically deciding how much I want her Sunday school teacher to hear later* “Well, mommies have lots of tiny eggs inside of them and daddies have tiny cells in them that look like tadpoles (I know—but I didn’t want to lie!). God puts them together and they grow into a baby.”
You: Oh. *falls asleep*